5 Tips for Talking to Kids About Death

My 5th-grader’s class was asked by their teacher to share what they fear most. Likely the teacher was expecting the kids to shout “Spiders!” or “Ghosts!”, every single kid called out “Death ”. Most dreaded death coming for those they love most but a few feared their own deaths, even at age ten.

I’m no parenting expert but I have been a mom for 14 years and I have had plenty trial-and -error with my three kids. Comfort talking about death is one of the gifts of my work and I’d like to share a few things that have been (mostly) working in my home.

First, don’t make promises you can’t keep. It makes you seem like you can’t handle the truth. If your kid is curious/anxious/scared, hear them. Make sure that you are the safe place your kids can turn to during the fear and anxiety, not another person they have to hide those feelings from.

Second, use clear and direct language. Don’t be afraid to tell your kids the truth, even if the answer to their questions is “I don’t know”. A soothing answer won’t serve to build a firm foundation for future conversations. Toddlers become teens and death will still be a topic, it just gets harder as talks morph into suicide and school shootings. Always be honest and direct.

Third, name how you feel in your body when talking about death. This shows them that their embodied response is normal. We don’t have to be perfectly calm and comfortable talking about death, we do it anyways.

Fourth, keep it short. I like to talk to my kids in the car and I keep it to a commercial break. Kids can’t digest as much as we can, give it to them in bite-sized pieces.

Last, check-in and affirm. For me, this sounds like, “We talked earlier about how scary death is to us. Did anything else come up for you?”. Kids don’t always think quickly in the moment and it may take time for them to digest. Keep the communication open with check-ins.

In summary, if you need professional help navigating this tricky terrain don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist/counselor. But also don’t feel like you should wait to talk to your kids about death until you’ll get it perfect. They don’t need perfection, they need an open line of communication around one of the scariest things we all face.