Unsolicited Advice

Going into the holiday week and preparing to spend time with family and friends, this mantra is rolling around in my head.

As a death worker, I often want to share all the things I’ve learned to “help” those that I love. But unless I’m asked, that advice not only won’t be heard, it’s offensive because unsolicited advice is criticism.

This is subtle too- it’s not just outright telling Aunt Jenny that she should have her advance directives completed or telling Grandpa he should consider natural burial. It’s also implying, all those side door statements “One might feel…” or “Someone may notice…” are unsolicited advice too.

There’s a flip side to this too. So if Uncle Bob suggests you get a “real job” instead of this death doula thing or Grandma suggests talking so openly about death and grief is bad for your kids, just remember you don’t have to pick up the criticism you’re being offered. And how tempting it is for all of us to “help” those we love.

I struggle with this so much. If I’ve ever offered you unsolicited advice, please know that I’m working on it. I see the danger and I’m trying to be more careful. As excited as I get sharing my passion for holistic death and grief care, I’m trying to remember then no one will feel seen or heard, understood or supported by the “expert” dishing out shoulds over dinner. You know what I’ll be working on in the next few days 🤪